This year is a bitter sweet Mothersday, My baby is out and a daddy in his own right. I have no children that "need" me at home anymore. I feel no purpose, Im sure this will pass, ok maybe not sure, but damn I hope so.
I wrote a letter to my sons for mothers day and Ill post it here....
A letter to my sons on Mothers Day:
I have thought about this for quite some time,
What my gift should be,
I thought how nice it would be, when the boys are grown,
and all the free time was mine.
I thought for a second I could do all things that I had been
missing when my priorities were only them,
How nice to sleep in all Sunday, maybe stay in pjs all day,
How nice not to have to make a big meal, on MY special day.
How great it would be to sit and soak in a tub with noone beating
in the door to pee...
I thought It would be great to not have to act like them forgetting
was nothing big.
For over 20 years I have thought these things...
But for the first time in 20 years, I know how nice it isnt....
My hair is changing, from years of them not understanding "NO",
My back is warn from years of helping them thru life...
My health is poor so all the exciting things I thought I would do when they
were grown is no longer able to be done....
My heart is tired from all the sadness, and pain of life, trying to keep
them from ever having to feel it has taken its toll.
So now I have the answers to how nice things would be:
So much free time to sit and miss the little things, and feeling needed.
So much time to sleep, because I can do little to nothing else.
No meals to make and no one to see smile, or hear that occasional, "thats the best thing
you make mom!"
How soaking in a tub isnt done to relax, but to just pass the time.....
So my gift to me on Mothers day is to let go. Let go of the little boys that made me
Mom. I have done my best, taught them morals, responsibility,
gave them a sense of belonging. I have done all the things that have ever been expected
of me, and I can do NO MORE.I cant make their choices, I cant take the punishments they have
to carry. I can no longer kiss the booboo's away, or make them never feel hurt.
I am Proud of my sons, Dakota, Kristofer, and Christopher and I wouldnt have changed a thing.
Life wasnt always a bed of roses, or remotely easy, but I had you all to make it easier with.
Thank you for making the ride worth it.
I love you, and I will always be here when you need me,
Love
Mom.
ps. You may hear me go more by the name Kerry.
Now lets see if they remember this site..LOL
Im hoping that the changes that are ahead are going to be positive.... I dont remember who Kerry was and what she was like, maybe I can become familiar with her again, its been a long time....
I think we are going to go see Sue tomorrow, and I want to see my granddaughter but I just dont know that tomorrow is good for that, with the relationship strains I am feeling with her parents. Im tired of always feeling like IM not good enough, and that I am always doing something wrong.... I dont know... I did make her a chew toy... it is a felt stuffed Smore.. She can chew on it and her mamma can just throw it in the washer... Its kinda cool I think...
Well I guess I am going to go before I start thinking too much, crying more, and just drivel on... Night all and once again Happy Moms day~
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