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Monday, August 25, 2014

Well today has been a day. Hub got bad news about his heart, works a bit iffy right now, I miss my little pepper, and worried about my friends and family. I'm trying so hard to go to sleep but my mind won't stop racing... I just so need to sleep reset and start over In the morning. I'm glad I found out I can blog via my phone now. When I have a viable thought I can well gonna try to sleep yet again 6 comes too darn early.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013


Hello hello hello.......

How is the summer going for everyone? Great I hope...

After finally learning to let go of years of emotional baggage, I can honestly say "damn, why did I hold on to that shit for so long???"  I have learned that not everything that goes on in the universe is my problem, and to those that would like to blame me or hold it against me, well they can just ....... ummm.... go away.

Spent yesterday sitting by the mighty Mississippi, drowning some worms, and soaking up some Vit D. It was nice! Today tho I am miserable from too much sun but Ill take what I get, as long as I had a nice time, Ill cope....

Not sure what to do today besides NOT be outside, but Im sure Ill find something...:)

Have a good one!~

Sunday, May 12, 2013

I saw my little Pepper

I went and saw my special girl today, MissPepper was a little sleepy and grumpy but I didnt mind, I love spending every minute I do with her....

I love you PepperAnn.

My Apologies.....

Turning a corner in my life starts with one step at a time.  Never being known to take tiny steps with anything, this is my first step.

I am a piece of shit. Gloria Reiser, Josephine Miller, and everyone else I have ever offended, let down, or hurt.... I am publicly announcing this so that you will know that I know I am an imperfect human with faults. I can only apologize so much or so many times for not being what you think I should be. Im sorry MOM for not being perfect or exactly what you hoped I would be, Im sorry Chris Kris and Koty that I wasnt a perfect mom, and Im sorry Sondra that Im just not good enough. Im sorry Candy for letting you take the blame when we were kids, and Im sorry Brent for getting you shit faced and sending you home as a young kid to deal with mom and dad. Im sorry Doc for not being the greatest wife, in perfect health, Im sorry to my government for being a drain and not able to work. Im sorry established faith systems for failing to be a sheeple. I cant carry with me the guilt, or feelings of embarrassment, or humiliation anymore that comes with all of these needed apologies, the weight of them all have just been too much. I cant change the things in my past, I can only apologize and move on from them, carrying this pain, embarassment, and guilt has only warn me down faster than this life does on its own. After today, its now yours to do with what you wish. Accept it or dont, these things are no longer my burdens to bare.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Happy Mothers Day *eve*

Happy Mothers day to all of you mommys out there... and the single daddies that do the work us Moms do...

This year is a bitter sweet Mothersday, My baby is out and a daddy in his own right. I have no children that "need" me at home anymore.  I feel no purpose, Im sure this will pass, ok maybe not sure, but damn I hope so.

I wrote a letter to my sons for mothers day  and Ill post it here....

A letter to my sons on Mothers Day:

I have thought about this for quite some time,
What my gift should be,

I thought how nice it would be, when the boys are grown,
and all the free time was mine.

I thought for a second I could do all things that I had been
missing when my priorities were only them,

How nice to sleep in all Sunday, maybe stay in pjs all day,

How nice not to have to make a big meal, on MY special day.

How great it would be to sit and soak in a tub with noone beating
in the door to pee...

I thought It would be great to not have to act like them forgetting 
was nothing big.

For over 20 years I have thought these things... 

But for the first time in 20 years, I know how nice it isnt....

My hair is changing, from years of them not understanding "NO",

My back is warn from years of helping them thru life...

My health is poor so all the exciting things I thought I would do when they
were grown is no longer able to be done....

My heart is tired from all the sadness, and pain of life, trying to keep 
them from ever having to feel it has taken its toll. 

So now I have the answers to how nice things would be:

So much free time to sit and miss the little things, and feeling needed.
So much time to sleep, because I can do little to nothing else.
No meals to make and no one to see smile, or hear that occasional, "thats the best thing
you make mom!"
How soaking in a tub isnt done to relax, but to just pass the time.....

So my gift to me on Mothers day is to let go. Let go of the little boys that made me 
Mom. I have done my best, taught them morals, responsibility, 
gave them a sense of belonging. I have done all the things that have ever been expected 
of me, and I can do NO MORE.I cant make their choices, I cant take the punishments they have
to carry. I can no longer kiss the booboo's away, or make them never feel hurt.

I am Proud of my sons, Dakota, Kristofer, and Christopher and I wouldnt have changed a thing.
Life wasnt always a bed of roses, or remotely easy, but I had you all to make it easier with.

Thank you for making the ride worth it.

I love you, and I will always be here when you need me,



ps. You may hear me go more by the name Kerry.

Now lets see if they remember this site..LOL

Im hoping that the changes that are ahead are going to be positive.... I dont remember who Kerry was and what she was like, maybe I can become familiar with her again, its been a long time....

I think we are going to go see Sue tomorrow, and I want to see my granddaughter but I just dont know that tomorrow is good for that, with the relationship strains I am feeling with her parents.  Im tired of always feeling like IM not good enough, and that I am always doing something wrong.... I dont know...   I did make her a chew toy... it is a felt stuffed Smore.. She can chew on it and her mamma can just throw it in the washer... Its kinda cool I think...

Well I guess I am going to go before I start thinking too much, crying more, and just drivel on...  Night all and once again Happy Moms day~

Tuesday, April 24, 2012


I mean really?

*smacks head*

To wake up is one thing... to wake up without cable is a pure 'other.

Because a douche did not do his job, Im sitting here in silence... sorta. (Netflix is your friend..LOL)

Done pulled the Queen bitch card this morning and went off on people in the wrong... That was interesting.

Im tired. Not sleepy, but tired of being a rug for my children. They are grown, I gave them all
the info they need to survive as grown ups. I completed the course. What they do with it is completely
up to them... why is that easier to say then to believe?

I am officially no longer a junkie.. and thats an huge change.. I was a junkie because my
physicians thought it was the right thing to do for the last 6+ years... Now I can see all
of the time I have lost. Frustrating? terribly... but am I going to let this get me
into a funk that the narcotics did? Hell no. My time to live.

I still have my days where everything hurts and I dont wanna do anything.. but my Atypical
personality has become unburried, she is waking up saying, "who slipped me a micky?"

I missed her.

I dont want to count my proverbial chickens and say Im better, but I can say.. I am GETTING better
by pure might and a bit of bud when the pain is unbearable. I can handle that.
Naps....not needed nearly as often. Sleep, not as elusive but just as interupted as before.
Energy... a shitton more, mental sharpness...... well its not as blurry, but most of all I can actually
remember things! I can go to the store and not just stand there like an ameba~! I know what Im
there for!

I think everyone around me is in shock when they see me back to the person I use to be..I like
seeing it throw them off.... remember...........ALWAYS mess with there heads, it keeps them younge..LOL

ok Nuff for now...  I hear the dryer calling me.