3 in a row

whoooohoooo 3 days ina row!

My brother sounds like he is feeling better. He is snapping he wants to come home.

And just to let  u know i did get my flowers cleaned up on this wonderful day! I also mowed the entire front yard. i know im going to b paying for that tomorrow.  I am to get pepper at 1030 am so im going to call it a night early....Night

Evening

Surprised? Im writing 2 days in a row!!Blogger is cheaper than a therapist right?  Brent didnt get to come home again tonight.They want his kidney functions up a bit more. So he is planning on coming home on Thur.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a high of 73 so im hoping I can work on cleaning up my flowers.i have failed miserably this year. I have been pulled in so many directions since before summer began, I shouldnt have even tried.

Im sitting here in bed with the pups layin all around,knowing i should b going to sleep now but the wheels are still spinning.

I need to go back to work, need the money and something else to keep me occupied. I need to get back in touch with nature to help boost my faith back to where it needs to be. I need to go see my granddaughter!Her mom isnt returning my or kotys calls or messages it seems.....

Well Im gonna call it a nite on here before I blather on and on....

Hello again

Evening.... Sorry i havent been on, trying to get my head clear again,and its possing to b an issue. Sorry about the writing shortcuts...im taking the easy road.

Brent is still n st louis, in renal failure. Chemo is not being kind to my little brother is all i can say. Its hard for me to talk about whats going on with him this late at night, so i will try to catch u up another time....gotta keep the mind quiet to get any rest it seems.

I have irritated my sciatic so sitting here is painful but standing,laying and walking hurts too so I think I will just stay sitting...L  Wed it is tobe a high of like  70 so I plan on working in my flower garden. It hhs  gone rogue with all that has gone on this summer. I lost my entire garden because I have been too busy with everyone and thing else..

I thiink I am gonna watch the rest if Julie & Julia and call it a nite.

Well so much has gone on since I have posted last.... and none of it great.

My baby brother was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. He has Sarcoma. It is in his leg and they are pretty sure he is going to loose his leg.... He has lost well over 100lbs so far, and still has a hell of a struggle ahead of him.  I am his caretaker when he has to go to St.Louis for chemo.  We spend 3 days down there, about 27 hrs of chemo in total. The chemo went terribly wrong. He had agreed to a trial med  on top of the regular chemo, and he had some nasty adverse reactions to it.  I watched him go from my 35yr old brother to an infant in the matter of a few minutes, and it lasted several days... I was terrified. He wasnt in hospital after the chemo, just during, we were on our own to deal with the nastiness... It wasnt easy but we did it.   We made it home.  The morning after we got into town we found that the chemo nurse forgot to remove the plug to his port in his chest, so we had to rush to an oncologist to have them remove it.... *Rolling eyes*  

Well he finally got to go home to his house day before yesterday, and its so hard to not just run over there everytime I hear him sad.  *sigh*

 Well I am going to find something to do around here to keep myself busy with miss Pepper...

Talk to you soon, and probably alot more often..

well hell........

I cant catch a break. I was supposed to have a few days to myself to relax and just mellow and I have failed at it miserably. Work has gone shitty, and my time at home has been just as bad.I will be back to having pepper 3/4 a day as of tomorrow night. So there goes a bit of my free time. I have to work tomorrow night 3-9 and I so havent had any down time.

I just need me time. I need to get myself back together. Mentally Im spent, from my hands failing, to feeling more and more pain every day.

I want to get my flowers in the ground and get them going so that I have something to look forward to early this summer. And still nothing.

I want my garden tilled and I still havent been able to find someone to do so I can get my garden started.

I want to get my craft room together and my office space straightened out and organized, I need my hidey spot. I need my place to escape.

ok I vented....L

Talk soon.

Grumble grumble....

Wow great! How are ya?

Well I got a new pc yesterday, "Thank you Pumpkin". and now I am fighting with getting my Sims to run ... hence the grumble grumble... I was on the phone with customer support for 2 hrs and got absolutely no where.... Ill be damned if I loose the ability to play this game I have spent hundreds of dollars on.

Pepper did great with my SIL watching her today so I could go to work, but she refused a nap, so in the middle of dinner she passed out in her chair... Its early but she is whiped out... so no sleep for me tonight hu???

Hope things start looking up shortly!

Long time no see blog~!

Sorry it has been so long since I have posted... I have had a whirlwind of a year and ready to try to get back to normal~ PepperAnn is staying with me while her mom recovers from surgery, it will be about a month.. So between her and work and home I am a busy bee.  I wanted to drop in, say hello and I hope to be back to write soon!~

"Papaw" and PepperAnn getting ready for night night!

Well today has been a day. Hub got bad news about his heart, works a bit iffy right now, I miss my little pepper, and worried about my friends and family. I'm trying so hard to go to sleep but my mind won't stop racing... I just so need to sleep reset and start over In the morning. I'm glad I found out I can blog via my phone now. When I have a viable thought I can share...lol well gonna try to sleep yet again 6 comes too darn early.

Happy Birthday Ariel...

Happy 2nd Birthday ArielDaisy!~

Howdy!!

Hello hello hello.......


How is the summer going for everyone? Great I hope...

After finally learning to let go of years of emotional baggage, I can honestly say "damn, why did I hold on to that shit for so long???"  I have learned that not everything that goes on in the universe is my problem, and to those that would like to blame me or hold it against me, well they can just ....... ummm.... go away.

Spent yesterday sitting by the mighty Mississippi, drowning some worms, and soaking up some Vit D. It was nice! Today tho I am miserable from too much sun but Ill take what I get, as long as I had a nice time, Ill cope....

Not sure what to do today besides NOT be outside, but Im sure Ill find something...:)

Have a good one!~

I saw my little Pepper

I went and saw my special girl today, MissPepper was a little sleepy and grumpy but I didnt mind, I love spending every minute I do with her....

I love you PepperAnn.

My Apologies.....

Turning a corner in my life starts with one step at a time.  Never being known to take tiny steps with anything, this is my first step.




I am a piece of shit. Gloria Reiser, Josephine Miller, and everyone else I have ever offended, let down, or hurt.... I am publicly announcing this so that you will know that I know I am an imperfect human with faults. I can only apologize so much or so many times for not being what you think I should be. Im sorry MOM for not being perfect or exactly what you hoped I would be, Im sorry Chris Kris and Koty that I wasnt a perfect mom, and Im sorry Sondra that Im just not good enough. Im sorry Candy for letting you take the blame when we were kids, and Im sorry Brent for getting you shit faced and sending you home as a young kid to deal with mom and dad. Im sorry Doc for not being the greatest wife, in perfect health, Im sorry to my government for being a drain and not able to work. Im sorry established faith systems for failing to be a sheeple. I cant carry with me the guilt, or feelings of embarrassment, or humiliation anymore that comes with all of these needed apologies, the weight of them all have just been too much. I cant change the things in my past, I can only apologize and move on from them, carrying this pain, embarassment, and guilt has only warn me down faster than this life does on its own. After today, its now yours to do with what you wish. Accept it or dont, these things are no longer my burdens to bare.

Happy Mothers Day *eve*

Happy Mothers day to all of you mommys out there... and the single daddies that do the work us Moms do...

This year is a bitter sweet Mothersday, My baby is out and a daddy in his own right. I have no children that "need" me at home anymore.  I feel no purpose, Im sure this will pass, ok maybe not sure, but damn I hope so.

I wrote a letter to my sons for mothers day  and Ill post it here....

A letter to my sons on Mothers Day:

I have thought about this for quite some time,

What my gift should be,

I thought how nice it would be, when the boys are grown,

and all the free time was mine.

I thought for a second I could do all things that I had been

missing when my priorities were only them,

How nice to sleep in all Sunday, maybe stay in pjs all day,

How nice not to have to make a big meal, on MY special day.

How great it would be to sit and soak in a tub with noone beating

in the door to pee...

I thought It would be great to not have to act like them forgetting 

was nothing big.

For over 20 years I have thought these things... 

But for the first time in 20 years, I know how nice it isnt....

My hair is changing, from years of them not understanding "NO",

My back is warn from years of helping them thru life...

My health is poor so all the exciting things I thought I would do when they

were grown is no longer able to be done....

My heart is tired from all the sadness, and pain of life, trying to keep 

them from ever having to feel it has taken its toll. 

So now I have the answers to how nice things would be:

So much free time to sit and miss the little things, and feeling needed.

So much time to sleep, because I can do little to nothing else.

No meals to make and no one to see smile, or hear that occasional, "thats the best thing

you make mom!"

How soaking in a tub isnt done to relax, but to just pass the time.....

So my gift to me on Mothers day is to let go. Let go of the little boys that made me 

Mom. I have done my best, taught them morals, responsibility, 

gave them a sense of belonging. I have done all the things that have ever been expected 

of me, and I can do NO MORE.I cant make their choices, I cant take the punishments they have

to carry. I can no longer kiss the booboo's away, or make them never feel hurt.

I am Proud of my sons, Dakota, Kristofer, and Christopher and I wouldnt have changed a thing.

Life wasnt always a bed of roses, or remotely easy, but I had you all to make it easier with.

Thank you for making the ride worth it.

I love you, and I will always be here when you need me,

Love

Mom.

ps. You may hear me go more by the name Kerry.

Now lets see if they remember this site..LOL

Im hoping that the changes that are ahead are going to be positive.... I dont remember who Kerry was and what she was like, maybe I can become familiar with her again, its been a long time....

I think we are going to go see Sue tomorrow, and I want to see my granddaughter but I just dont know that tomorrow is good for that, with the relationship strains I am feeling with her parents.  Im tired of always feeling like IM not good enough, and that I am always doing something wrong.... I dont know...   I did make her a chew toy... it is a felt stuffed Smore.. She can chew on it and her mamma can just throw it in the washer... Its kinda cool I think...

Well I guess I am going to go before I start thinking too much, crying more, and just drivel on...  Night all and once again Happy Moms day~

Really?


I mean really?

*smacks head*

To wake up is one thing... to wake up without cable is a pure 'other.

Because a douche did not do his job, Im sitting here in silence... sorta. (Netflix is your friend..LOL)


Done pulled the Queen bitch card this morning and went off on people in the wrong... That was interesting.

Im tired. Not sleepy, but tired of being a rug for my children. They are grown, I gave them all
the info they need to survive as grown ups. I completed the course. What they do with it is completely
up to them... why is that easier to say then to believe?

I am officially no longer a junkie.. and thats an huge change.. I was a junkie because my
physicians thought it was the right thing to do for the last 6+ years... Now I can see all
of the time I have lost. Frustrating? terribly... but am I going to let this get me
into a funk that the narcotics did? Hell no. My time to live.

I still have my days where everything hurts and I dont wanna do anything.. but my Atypical
personality has become unburried, she is waking up saying, "who slipped me a micky?"

I missed her.

I dont want to count my proverbial chickens and say Im better, but I can say.. I am GETTING better
by pure might and a bit of bud when the pain is unbearable. I can handle that.
Naps....not needed nearly as often. Sleep, not as elusive but just as interupted as before.
Energy... a shitton more, mental sharpness...... well its not as blurry, but most of all I can actually
remember things! I can go to the store and not just stand there like an ameba~! I know what Im
there for!

I think everyone around me is in shock when they see me back to the person I use to be..I like
seeing it throw them off.... remember...........ALWAYS mess with there heads, it keeps them younge..LOL

ok Nuff for now...  I hear the dryer calling me.

Dec 17, 2011

So much has happened since I talked to you last.. But I only have the energy to type out the worst!
My hub (keep in mind never really had anything wrong with him) started with excruciating pain on Oct 1st ..
We took him into the er and they made him wait 4.5 hrs before even seeing him, took him to the back and ran tests and said the Gallbladder has to go... so 2 days later they take him into surgery.....  Success. .. .. ..
Comes home... to recoup and the pain comes back 100X worse... goes back to the hospital and for the longest time they have no clue... pumping him full of Dilaudid and Vicodens and still no Idea why he is having intense liver pain.... They ran 3 genetic tests and they came back Negative... So the next step is a liver biopsy at Iowa City VA hospital after he sees the VA dr here in town on the 31st.  They are leaning toward cirrhosis at 40.  *sigh*  So hub is off of work indefinately I cant work and no other income coming in but everything either going out or is gone....  I just want to give up give in and get the hell off of this ride!  Sorry to sound like Im venting.. but Im venting and need to.... *sigh* Thanks for listening.... Ill update soon...

My new word for the week!

metaphysical (ˌmɛtəˈfɪzɪk ə l)
— adj
1.	relating to or concerned with metaphysics
2.	(of a statement or theory) having the form of an empiricalhypothesis, but in fact immune from empirical testing andtherefore (in the view of the logical positivists) literallymeaningless
3.	(popularly) abstract, abstruse, or unduly theoretical
4.	incorporeal; supernatural

My new word for the week!

sur·vive

   [ser-vahyv] Show IPA verb, -vived, -viv·ing.

verb (used without object)

1.

to remain alive after the death of someone, the cessation ofsomething, or the occurrence of some event; continue tolive: Few survived after the holocaust.

2.

to remain or continue in existence or use: Ancient farmingmethods still survive in the Middle East.

3.

to get along or remain healthy, happy, and unaffected inspite of some occurrence: